Wanderlust

Sad

I realize I haven't posted on this blog since March and it is now November. And as far as I'm concerned, I will probably move these posts and start a new blog. This blog was an experiment that lacked direction. The name is wrong, although I still heart that word: wanderlust. My life is less about travel and leisure these days and more complicated (and fun) as a mom. I also realize nobody even reads this blog, but I feel compelled to write an intro anyway. I've had writers block for awhile and wasn't sure if I even wanted to blog. I think I do b/c I truly enjoy writing. And the (very) few times I've received comments it was soooo much fun. Anyway, I digress from the point of this post and the reason I'm back for now. I NEED to write. I am sad. Last week, my friend whom I've known since 8th grade called me. She said she had bad news. One of her best friends had taken her own life the night before. Now I also knew this girl and even though we weren't close and it has probably been five years or so since I've seen her, I was so sad. And shocked. I knew she was having some problems which I won't go into here, but I never expected this. She was so happy before. The all American blond cheerleader in high school. Beautiful and funny. But the worst part, in my mind, is that she was married and had a son. How terrible to leave them this way. Thanksgiving and the holidays will FOREVER be ruined. A sad reminder of her death at her own hands. Anyway, there are many other bits and pieces of sad news that keep drifting my way...a bad car accident, a trial separation, foreclpsures, job insecurities, severed or strained friendships, etc. It's the season for bad news. I always feel like there are times in my life when a lot of bad stuff happens. Either to me or the people around me. There was a time like this almost 7 years ago. And now it's happening again. I know it's inevitable that things will go wrong. But big, yucky, catastrophic things all at once really sucks. And on a completely different but somehow related (in that it makes me sad) note. I miss my husband. I miss sleeping. I LOVE sleeping with my baby girl. I'm still nursing and co-sleeping and I'm 100% happy with my decision. But OMG this girl will never give up nursing on her own. At 20 months she is still going strong. I am sad about pushing her to wean AND I am absolutly NOT going to wean completely. I just want to stop the all night nursing diner. Probably going to do a combo Jay Gordon partial night weaning plan and No Cry Sleep Solution for toddlers. Not going into details now. And as I stated above I really miss my husband. I've come to the conclusion that the ONLY way we'll have any time together is if she is sleeping without needing to nurse all night. Then someone else can babysit her and we can actually go out. Or if she's sleeping we can hang out after she's asleep without me waiting for the dreaded cry that inevitably comes 30-45 minutes later. Doesn't leave much time together. It will be best for our family, my marriage and my sanity. I'm afraid it's going to be TERRIBLE. And I'm afraid it will...actually I know it will lead to total weaning sooner than it would have othewise. And although part of me is SO ready for that. Another big part of me is very sad. And that my friends, brings it all back home again to the sadness. Just a whole big bucket of sadness here even thought I'm incredibly grateful and happy with my life at the moment. This felt good. Writing again. I will start a blog, probably two. One for family and friends with pics, real names, etc. And one anon...not tied together in any way. This way I can write freely on the anon like this cause that's just how I roll. Whew. If anyone has read this. In fact, if anyone had read this far. Wow. You get a small slice of my thought process and what my poor husband has to endure when I get a couple of drinks in me. Ramble city. And with that, my sad self signs off. For good. For now? I don't know. But goodbye.

Random Thoughts on the Genetic Lottery

I think my daughter looks like a mixture of me and my husband. Some days, she looks just like him. And other days I see so much of me it brings a trippy perspective on life. She's got my ears (poor thing), my skin, my eyes (only hers are a gorgeous blue). She's got my husband's smile, nose and lots of his facial expressions.

As for hair color, the jury is still out. She is still mostly bald but what little hair she does have seems to be a dark blond. My husband's hair was white blond as a child and is light brown now, but she definitely gets this from him since I'm a dark brunette with reddish highlights.

Anyway, I was thinking about gorgeous parents having gorgeous babies and of course, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt come to mind. Shiloh really hit the genetic lottery jackpot. Now if Halle Berry and her model guy have a boy--and he someday marries Shiloh and they have a baby. OMG -that baby would be the most uber-beautiful baby ever in the history of the world. So beautiful it hurts.

But that's how I feel about my little Peanut sometimes. Her smile just lights up my world. So beautiful it hurts.

My first year as a mom

My life has changed so much since I found out I was pregnant. I've been thinking back to all of the things I've learned in my first year as a mom. Although we're not quite at a year yet...it's coming up faster than I  would like.

I feel like we're on the verge of entering into toddler-land and drifting away from babyhood. That makes me a little sad. It seems like every day my baby girl surprises us with how fast she's learning new stuff. She crawls so fast now even though some of it is still on her belly. She clicks her tongue to call the cats. She "meows" back at Claire our oldest cat, although her meow is more like a yell. A really loud yell. She waves goodbye and is generally a happy little munchkin (when she's not upset that I moved three feet away from her--gotta love that separation anxiety).

As I'm starting to plan her birthday party as well as her Dad's I can't help but feel a little reflective. I know that she likes to play with a spoon or finger food before we feed her so she feels like part of the process. She likes to scratch and pinch my skin when she's nursing. Sometimes she'll grab my hand and just twist and twirl her soft little fingers through mine. All these tiny quirks that I love. I will miss the baby that she is but I can't wait to meet the little girl blossoming underneath the surface.

Remember Me?

We made it! Yes, we made it through the holidays and Christmas was actually really great. Peanut enjoyed opening her gifts so much that we were both impressed with her ability to rip open boxes at lightening speed...and a little worried at her sense of entitlement as she looked around for the next gift. But true to her 9 month old nature, she enjoyed the boxes and paper more than her toys. At least for a little while.

My parents and sister drove up to Austin to have our Christmas the 22nd and 23rd. We made cookies, opened gifts and we all got along pretty well. I was impressed and hope that this bodes well for future holidays. AND the more time Peanut spends with them the more comfortable I get with the idea of leaving her with them for an extended period of time...like hours, maybe even -gasp!- overnight!

Literally, the day after Christmas the crap hit the fan when it comes to our 2003 Honda Civic Hybrid. We also got a computer virus and had some lovely mortgage insurance/company woes to take care of. More on that later but I just wanted to reintroduce myself since it's been soooo long since I posted.

Hello again Internet!

Possibilities

I know that I want to do something different with my career. Something that truly inspires me. Something I feel passionate about. And I want to do this PART TIME so I can actually spend some time with my daughter and husband...and friends for that matter. I think working part time is the new holy grail for 8-5 working moms.

I really don't understand why more companies don't offer flex time for salaried employees. I can guarantee that they would retain more loyal, happy employees. Especially employees who happen to be moms. If we are getting our work done, are available for calls and meetings and occasionally taking the initiative for other projects then who cares if we work 9-2 one day and 10-6 another day? With technology being what it is today, it is very possible to be available anywhere and everywhere.

Anyway, that being said I am ready to do something different. I would like to take my business savvy and marketing skills to work for something really fun. I see so many possibilities.  I have so many interests...the environment, travel, fashion (eco-friendly recently!), baby stuff, local businesses, music, writing, art, throwing events and parties, politics and activism. I want to learn how to sew and knit. I want to create my own stuff. I am just bursting with ideas but no time to do them.

If we hadn't gotten ourselves into so much debt, I could do this right now. We are on the Dave Ramsey plan...baby step 2...although Christmas has totally thrown me off. Dave would be VERY disappointed. Anyway, with the plan I have it will take us 2 years to pay everything off. Sigh. So that's 2 more years in corporate office blah land.  C'est la vie, I guess.