Sad

I realize I haven't posted on this blog since March and it is now November. And as far as I'm concerned, I will probably move these posts and start a new blog. This blog was an experiment that lacked direction. The name is wrong, although I still heart that word: wanderlust. My life is less about travel and leisure these days and more complicated (and fun) as a mom. I also realize nobody even reads this blog, but I feel compelled to write an intro anyway. I've had writers block for awhile and wasn't sure if I even wanted to blog. I think I do b/c I truly enjoy writing. And the (very) few times I've received comments it was soooo much fun. Anyway, I digress from the point of this post and the reason I'm back for now. I NEED to write. I am sad. Last week, my friend whom I've known since 8th grade called me. She said she had bad news. One of her best friends had taken her own life the night before. Now I also knew this girl and even though we weren't close and it has probably been five years or so since I've seen her, I was so sad. And shocked. I knew she was having some problems which I won't go into here, but I never expected this. She was so happy before. The all American blond cheerleader in high school. Beautiful and funny. But the worst part, in my mind, is that she was married and had a son. How terrible to leave them this way. Thanksgiving and the holidays will FOREVER be ruined. A sad reminder of her death at her own hands. Anyway, there are many other bits and pieces of sad news that keep drifting my way...a bad car accident, a trial separation, foreclpsures, job insecurities, severed or strained friendships, etc. It's the season for bad news. I always feel like there are times in my life when a lot of bad stuff happens. Either to me or the people around me. There was a time like this almost 7 years ago. And now it's happening again. I know it's inevitable that things will go wrong. But big, yucky, catastrophic things all at once really sucks. And on a completely different but somehow related (in that it makes me sad) note. I miss my husband. I miss sleeping. I LOVE sleeping with my baby girl. I'm still nursing and co-sleeping and I'm 100% happy with my decision. But OMG this girl will never give up nursing on her own. At 20 months she is still going strong. I am sad about pushing her to wean AND I am absolutly NOT going to wean completely. I just want to stop the all night nursing diner. Probably going to do a combo Jay Gordon partial night weaning plan and No Cry Sleep Solution for toddlers. Not going into details now. And as I stated above I really miss my husband. I've come to the conclusion that the ONLY way we'll have any time together is if she is sleeping without needing to nurse all night. Then someone else can babysit her and we can actually go out. Or if she's sleeping we can hang out after she's asleep without me waiting for the dreaded cry that inevitably comes 30-45 minutes later. Doesn't leave much time together. It will be best for our family, my marriage and my sanity. I'm afraid it's going to be TERRIBLE. And I'm afraid it will...actually I know it will lead to total weaning sooner than it would have othewise. And although part of me is SO ready for that. Another big part of me is very sad. And that my friends, brings it all back home again to the sadness. Just a whole big bucket of sadness here even thought I'm incredibly grateful and happy with my life at the moment. This felt good. Writing again. I will start a blog, probably two. One for family and friends with pics, real names, etc. And one anon...not tied together in any way. This way I can write freely on the anon like this cause that's just how I roll. Whew. If anyone has read this. In fact, if anyone had read this far. Wow. You get a small slice of my thought process and what my poor husband has to endure when I get a couple of drinks in me. Ramble city. And with that, my sad self signs off. For good. For now? I don't know. But goodbye.